Hate Is Learned: A Parent’s Story of LGBTQ+ Bullying
Editor’s note: The national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached by calling 988, at 988lifeline.org, or by texting "HOME" to 741-741. The following article was published at InForum.com without an author attribution or byline.
It’s heartbreaking to feel helpless when your child is struggling to make sense of cruelty. That feeling hit the author hard when her son, who came out as trans earlier this year, shared a painful experience. A group of boys at school followed him, mocking and repeatedly calling him slurs.
He didn’t understand why anyone would treat him like this, and the author had no satisfying answers. She could inform his school and demand accountability, but she was at a loss to explain the “why.”
The author writes that one of her biggest responsibilities is helping her son understand the world. Making sense of the “whats” and “whys” gives us a foundation to navigate life, she writes. Intellectually, she understands that some people’s beliefs lead them to reject LGBTQ+ identities. But she’ll never grasp why anyone would pass on hate and bullying to children, teaching them that it’s acceptable to harm others who are different.
Life is already hard enough, especially for LGBTQ+ youth, who face distressing statistics. Over half of LGBTQ+ middle and high school students report being bullied in the past year, and nearly a quarter face physical threats. Bullying makes school feel unsafe for millions of kids.
And the consequences are devastating. According to the CDC, 19% of gay kids and nearly half of transgender and nonbinary kids seriously considered suicide last year. In the words of The Trevor Project, “LGBTQ+ young people are more than four times more likely to die by suicide than their peers — not because of any predisposition in their identity, but because of the tremendous stressors, rejection, and antagonism that many of them face.”
This hurt starts young. The writer’s son was in kindergarten when he first experienced it. Another child told his class that “Jesus hated” one of their peers because she had two moms. That 5-year-old didn’t create those words on his own — hate is learned.
Though the author’s son and his classmates are now in sixth grade, she’s still left wondering why anyone would teach a child to treat others with cruelty. And as a parent of an LGBTQ+ child, she lives with the painful knowledge that her child’s safety may be at risk simply for being himself.
In the end, the author had to tell her son the truth: I don’t understand why some people choose to hurt others. “What I do know is that their actions are a reflection of them, not him. My son can choose to live with kindness, to understand others' pain, and to stand up for those who need protection,” she writes, adding, “We all have the chance to spread love, acceptance, and understanding. Our kids deserve a world built on compassion, not hate.”
If Your LGBTQ+ Child Is Being Bullied, You’re Not Alone
No child should suffer for simply being themselves. At LegalAlly.com, we stand with families whose children are targeted for their identity. Learn how schools are legally required to protect LGBTQ+ students—and what you can do if they fail.
Adam T. Mandell, one of the nation’s most experienced anti-school-bullying attorneys, offers free case reviews to help you understand your rights and options. Compassionate, informed legal help is just a click away.